What Is Non-monogamy?

Full Transcript:

Hi, my name is Kale. I created the website relationship-anarchy.com. And I wanted to create some videos, to supplement the things we talk about on that site.

This is my very first video, I hope you enjoy it.

What I want to talk today is nonmonogamy. Right before I talk about that, I’m just going to really quickly talk about monogamy:

The definition of monogamy used to be: being married to only one person for an entire lifetime. 

Obviously, that is a little outdated and we don’t consider that the only form of monogamy anymore. These days, you can marry more than one person in your lifetime, or not get married at all but still be monogamous.

There are many different types of monogamy.

For example marital monogamy, which could look like marrying your high school sweetheart and being together until death do you part thing.

There’s social monogamy, which could be living with someone, and sharing things like rent and bills and groceries, but never getting married.

Or there serial monogamy, which is having one relationship after another, where they don’t overlap.

So the thing that these all have in common is a person usually only has one sexual partner at a time.

Now that I’ve got that covered, let’s move on to nonmonogamy. When I talk about nonmonogamy, I am talking about ethical and consensual nomonogamy, which is really important. It’s not cheating, that’s something totally different and not what we’re going to talk about today.

One kind of nomonogamy that’s probably the most common is casual dating. 

When people are casually dating, they are seeing more than one person at a time have and maybe sleeping with those people, maybe not. But that is technically a form of nomonogamy. 

Open Relationships are a type of nonmonogamy.

The term Open Relationship can mean a lot of different things to different people, so I won’t try to explain all the possible different configurations here. I’ll just give a few examples so you get an idea. Generally it’s when a couple is open to and consenting to having relationships outside of that couple. 

For example:

There could be two people who are involved and they bring a third person into their relationship. What can often happen in this case is the two people will consider themselves primary partners, and the person joining the relationship is a secondary. 

This isn’t something that happens for everyone, but it does happen sometimes, it’s called having a hierarchy. ‘An arrangement or classification of things according to relative importance or inclusiveness.’

I have some opinions on hierarchies, it’s not something I do and I’m going to talk about that in later videos. That is definitely a style that you see in these types of relationships.

Another type of open relationship is when someone seeks a secondary partner, or partners, on their own, and they maintain that relationship independent of their partner.
 
Swinging is probably one of the better known forms of nonmonogamy. This is when a couple consents to exchange partners with another couple for sex. It can be really casual, like a one time hook-up at sex partuy, or it can be deep and intimate, lasting decades and include family vacations and holidays together.

Monogamish is another form of nonmonogamy. This is a term coined in 2011 by Dan Savage, of Savage Love fame. Monogam-ish couples tend to present as monogamous, but they consent to some level of sexual activity outside the relationship. They will create rules based on what they are comfortable with. 

For example, it might be okay to smooch a hottie at a party that you see or have a one time only encounter with someone, or maybe when you’re on the road for work, a hook-up is okay in that case.

The thing that these have in common is that they don’t really allow for deep intimate bonds to form, as these couples are still primarily monogamous.

The last two forms of nonmonogamy I want to talk about are polyamory and relationship anarchy. But those are topics that I really want to geek out about and talk about, so I’m going to give them each their own video if you want to check those out. 

Thanks for watching my first ever video. Down below I’ll post links to Facebook and Twitter, if you want to stay in touch that way. And thanks for watching!